My Nona

My Nona, our Nona (grandma) passed away Saturday, Feb. 21st at the age of 64. I am so glad she is in a better place but so sad that someone who was a great part of my life is gone. They say that you go through stages of denial, then anger, then depression, etc. I don’t know what is supposed to come first or how many of them there are but they come to me at any part of the day and random feelings take over me without my control. I find myself talking to myself a lot more.

The littlest thing reminds me of her then I either say, “No! This isn’t happening!” or “This is so weird,” or “I can’t believe she is gone!” I don’t get a warning, I don’t get to choose which feeling it is, it just happens. I guess how life happens as well as death. It chooses what, when, where, and how… it’s hard!

I spent so much time with her in my life and I am thankful but I am also so selfish that I am not ready to give her up. I think of memories and certain things she would do that nobody else does or would do. Things that made her her own person and such a great grandma. I remember her laugh, her cry, her smile, the sound of her voice, phrases she would say, and songs she would sing… I am so thankful for being in her life but so sad that I can’t have it anymore.

She befriended anyone and made them feel the most welcome. She would tell me stories about teaching first communion classes and how I wished I could have been in her class because I loved the way she would breathe in through her nose when she read. I loved the way she would vacuum so perfectly and am so angry that I never asked her how she did it.

I see crowds of people and search for her as if she got lost and I just have to find her. I don’t understand why I take this so hard but I guess I have never lost someone that was such a huge part of my life. I went to her house after school everyday to hang out with her and use the computer. Now that I am older, I haven’t been there as much wish I could just go back to the old days where I walked over there and talked for hours. I could tell her anything..  She was always so beautiful and when I saw her casket at the funeral, it was so beautiful shining and perfect. It really hit me then that is WAS really happening but she still shown through. The incense the priest lit sound the fire alarms and even though it was out of place, the whole church sparkled and all I could think was how she had a grand entrance. She didn’t really like to put herself first but she always wanted to be glamorous. That was her day to shine.

I am so happy that she doesn’t have to continually check her blood sugar and never have to feel weak again. I will charish every memory and write them in a journal like she would so that I never forget… but I still think the pain of missing her will always stay with me as well.